


What Holds Us Back

by Ultimatum



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Emotional Baggage, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, high school romancey shit, sooo much baggage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-04 20:12:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18819874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ultimatum/pseuds/Ultimatum
Summary: Dave’s fucking tired of hiding behind masks and shades and metaphors. He’s built his entire life on these lies, on these layers of separation, and he feels that maybe, it’s finally time to recognize how being so distant has hurt him.(Dave and Karkat are classmates and don't even know it. Things get complicated and a bit messy.)





	What Holds Us Back

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MsGeekNerd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsGeekNerd/gifts).



> this is years late but HAPPY BIRTHDAY I LOVE YOU!!! this goes out to my pal... my dude... im sorry it took me so long to write this & that it isnt exactly what you asked for All Those Years Ago.
> 
> but that being said, 7k of davekat being idiots and having baggage here u go

Dave Strider is, if nothing else, extremely fucking _annoying_. 

Karkat watches the back of his _stupid head_ during class and resolves to never, ever have the displeasure of talking to him directly. Besides looking like he walked straight out of Douchebag Magazine, there’s just an air of arrogance around him that Karkat can’t fucking stand. Shades? Indoors? 

_Give me a break._

Karkat knows he’s probably just being too quick to jump the gun on judging this new guy, as he tends to do when he suspects that someone may be, as these humans call it, “a drag.” But does he care? Being selective with new friendships makes perfect fucking sense after his frankly traumatic experience with Gamzee, thank you very much. 

So no, he is not being “a drag,” he’s being completely reasonable in his judgments. And his judgment is that Dave Strider is absolutely, unquestionably, unequivocally a huge, GIANT ASS, and he wants nothing to do with him. Ever. That’s really all there is to say on the matter.

Karkat tries to take notes as best as he can with Strider’s big stupid head in the way of the board. Does this asshole bleach his hair? Well, his roots are starting to show, he should probably do something about that. _Scritch scritch._ His shoes are absolutely filthy, doesn’t he _wash_ anything he owns? _Scritch scritch._ Maybe Karkat’s being a little too mean.

Dial it back now.

He dials it back. Things are fine. Karkat doesn’t have to concern himself with this kid. The bell rings, they file out, and the day continues as it always does. He’s just glad he only has to see Strider for one period each day. 

If he had to interact with him anymore, Karkat doesn’t know if he’d be able to hold himself back from ripping Strider’s throat out with his bare claws. 

A ping from his phone startles him out of his frankly violent train of thought, and he fishes it from his pocket to see that he has a message from his long-distance-and-kind-of-still-an-acquaintance-whom-he-sorta-has-a-crush-on-that-he-hasn’t-come-to-terms-with-yet friend from the world-wide web. 

Ah, a douchebag he can sort of stomach most of the time. A douchebag he most definitely doesn’t have a crush on, because that would be pathetic, and they haven’t known each other that long anyway. He doesn’t even know his name, and really, how can Karkat know he doesn’t have a crush on him because of some stupid, arbitrary reason? Like the fact that he’s getting positive attention from this clown.

Well, maybe he should drop that thought and see what said clown has to say. Maybe that’s a good idea. Yeah, let’s drop all that crush talk.

TG: so update 

TG: public school is a fucking joke 

TG: idk why my bro decided it was a good idea to drop me in now of all times 

TG: like after this year were done so it doesnt make any sense but whatever 

TG: also i keep getting distracted by how fake inclusive this place is 

TG: they keep being all preachy about how troll integrated they are as if there arent some mad troll redlining issues that serve as a barrier to access literally the moment you leave this place 

TG: talk about xenophobic 

TG: and that isn’t even touching modern day human segregation issue 

TG: shits absolutely whack completely bonkers 

CG: OH YEAH. I FORGET THAT YOU WERE A SHELTERED “HOMESCHOOLED” KID FOR MOST OF YOUR LIFE. AND THAT YOU’VE NEVER HAD THE ABSOLUTE PLEASURE OF EXPERIENCING, FIRST-HAND, THE WONDERS OF THE AMERICAN SCHOOL SYSTEM. 

CG: WELCOME TO HELL. 

TG: i never thought that hell would be like this 

TG: underfunded slightly corrupted by christian values and honestly a little musty smelling? 

TG: really why is it so damn musty

Karkat notices himself smiling at his phone as he walks into his next class and tries to straighten out his face. Fuck, this is pathetic. His phone continues to vibrate, signaling that TG is still spewing shit at him, but Karkat thinks he might explode if he so much as _looks_ at his phone. Ughhhh. Karkat wants to bang his head into his desk. Isn’t it like… Stupid to be this into talking to someone you’ve never even been properly introduced to, even worse, never _seen_?

TG is so cagey when it comes to, well, everything. Sure, they’ve only been talking for a few weeks, but don’t you usually exchange names by that point at the very least? 

God, he’s probably talking to a predatory old human man. Karkat’s being so stupid about this. For someone who’s trying to make less… Mistakes when it comes to choosing good friends, Karkat sure feels pretty damn gullible right now. 

Well. He can’t help it. And he can’t help but think that maybe this TG guy isn’t lying about what he tells him (which, to be fair, isn’t much at all). 

Karkat doesn’t trust others easily. Not anymore.

But some idiotic part of himself can’t help it when it comes to this dude. 

_Ughhhhhhhhhhhh._

Would it be too needy or desperate to ask TG to tell him his name? Karkat is getting sick of this weird “Hey TG” “Hey CG” thing they have going on, but the last time he asked for his name, TG blinked offline faster than he could say “sike! Sorry for violating your boundaries. The boundaries I didn’t even recognize were there!” 

When he came back online, he swore it had nothing to do with the name thing, but he also avoided answering the question. So obviously, it _was_ about the name thing, and Karkat felt too weird to mention it again. 

After all, Karkat has shit he’s touchy about too. He may not understand why this guy is so cagey about his name of all things, but maybe it isn’t his business for once. He enjoys talking to TG, and maybe that’s enough for now. 

Karkat tries to convince himself. How successful he is, however, is no matter of importance.

(He can’t convince himself in the slightest.)

-

Dave Strider is, if nothing else, doing his absolute best to hold it together. 

How successful he is happens to be an entirely different story, but he’s definitely doing what he can. And there’s only so much he _can_ do, what with his Bro being a flaming pile of horseshit and all. At the very least, Dave is glad that he’s outgrown the fantasies of his childhood.

He can’t believe he spent so long believing that Bro was capable of change. Or capable of anything good, really. Before, Dave would grasp at straws, at the tiniest hints of apology and tenderness, even when there were no signs of it in the first place. 

Now he knows that it’s a fool’s game to want anything from Bro. Even being put back into public school was done in his own self-interest. Because Dave was interfering with Bro’s shady day-time drug shit or something. Anyway, it’s not like it was when he was a kid, he’s gotten better at dodging. He won’t end up with marks above the neckline anymore, and he knows that Bro knows that.

So maybe this is a test. To see if he can be trusted outside of the house now. 

(He tries not to think about how much he sounds like a prisoner in his own home. One more year. One more year and he’s fucking _gone_ and that’ll be that. Just one year of keeping to himself so he can prove that he’s got this shit so tight under wraps that it might as well not even be there at all.)

School may be a bit boring (because he already knows all the stupid crap they’re shoving down his throat) and he may be a bit lonely (because friends might fuck up Bro’s big test) but these are all temporary things. Dave still has his blogs and his online friends. And he has his _new_ friend, who he may or may not be getting sick of his evasive, dodgy ways.

It started as a joke, he thinks. It wasn’t that deep. Or it wasn’t, at first. 

He just thought, hey, wouldn’t it be fun if I went by my handle for a while? No pressure to share right off the bat. But then Rose starting _pushing_. She started digging at shit she didn’t understand, and Dave realized he liked having someone who didn’t know who he really was. He liked talking to someone who couldn’t pressure him, who didn’t know enough about him, his name, his situation, _nothing_. 

It felt… Deceptively safe.

God it’s so stupid, Dave thinks. It’s his first name, how much could this guy figure out about him from that? Probably nothing. But it’s nice to hide behind a screen name sometimes, and he doesn’t owe this CG guy anything. 

It wasn’t that deep at first. But somewhere along the way, Dave realized it kind of was. He realized he was (and is) scared. A lot of shit just keeps falling into his lap, making him realize shit he does not want to realize, and he just needs a persona to slip into while he figures things out. That’s all.

Dave feels his phone vibrate on his desk and picks it up, probably faster than would be considered “cool and collected.” His chats with CG always distract him. And right now, a distraction is just what he needs. He leaves his messages with Rose unopened in the background.

CG: HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE DOUCHEBAG IN ONE OF MY CLASSES? 

CG: HE WEARS THE MOST OBNOXIOUS CLOTHING INDOORS, AND ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE HE ROLLED AROUND IN SOME MUD BEFORE HE CRAWLED TO CLASS. NORMALLY IT WOULDN’T BOTHER ME AND I’D MIND MY OWN BUSINESS, OF COURSE. 

CG: BUT HE GIVES ME NO CHOICE. THIS ASSHOLE HAS THE BIGGEST HEAD I’VE EVER SEEN. 

CG: AND IT BLOCKS MY VIEW JUST PERFECTLY ENOUGH THAT I’M UNABLE TO GET SHIT DONE, EVER. 

CG: YOU WOULD THINK THAT A HORNLESS MAMMAL WOULD BE LESS IN THE WAY, BUT APPARENTLY NOT, BECAUSE I CAN’T SEE SHIT ANYMORE! 

TG: he sounds like a fucking square dude 

CG: OH YES. HE IS. HE’S A TOTAL SQUARE. 

CG: AND EVERY TIME HE OPENS HIS MOUTH THE MOST DISINGENUOUS SHIT JUST *SPEWS* OUT, AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO BANG MY HEAD INTO MY DESK. 

CG: I THOUGHT *I* WAS VAPID, BUT I THINK THIS GUY TAKES IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL. 

TG: lol 

TG: the next time he blocks your view just suplex him straight into next week 

TG: show that nerd whats up 

TG: i know you said hes a douche but in my mind id rather just imagine you as a huge jock going against this tiny nerd with a huge head 

TG: maybe shove him into a locker or something idk how this public school shit is supposed to go 

TG: but according to modern media some roughhousing and antics are in order just to set the record straight 

TG: show him whos boss yknow 

CG: NOT GOING TO LIE, THAT SOUNDS MORE THAN A LITTLE SUGGESTIVE. BUT YES, I’LL DO THAT. I’LL SHOW HIM WHO’S “BOSS.” 

CG: IT’S NOT LIKE I’M TINY AND ALSO VERY VULNERABLE TO THE JUSTICE SYSTEM HERE ON EARTH AS AN IMMIGRANT AND ALSO A TROLL. 

CG: GOOD FUCKING IDEA LET ME GO LAND MYSELF IN PRISON FOR LIFE JUST BECAUSE I WANTED TO ROUGH UP SOME DOUCHEY TWINK. 

TG: dont worry bro i got you 

TG: ill beat him up in your place 

TG: flexing that human privilege to lift you up dog 

CG: TRUE ALLYSHIP. REALLY. I AM BLOWN AWAY BY YOUR BOUNDLESS DEDICATION. 

TG: my pleasure man 

TG: anyway whatve you been up to 

TG: any gossip any beef 

TG: or as the kids these days say 

TG: tea?

This is just what he needed. To shoot the shit with someone who won’t pressure him or step on his dainty little toes. Dave feels himself relax a bit even though he still feels like a major fucking pussy, all things considered. This is nice though. 

Dave considers what it’d mean to tell CG his name. He doesn’t know if the fluttering in his chest is fear or something else entirely. 

Something slight he doesn’t want to give name to, in case it consumes him completely. 

-

Karkat may or may not be in the same boat. He slouches in his chair, giving up on trying to see the board with Strider’s huge ass head (and its own complete solar system) right in the way. He whips out his phone instead, appreciating the excuse to talk to TG.

CG: BLOND ASSHOLE GUYS HEAD IS IN THE WAY AGAIN 

CG: I’M GOING TO FAIL THIS CLASS AND IT’LL BE ALL HIS FAULT.

He sees Strider shift to grab at his phone, and rushes to take the notes he can in the meantime. Finally, _finally_. Karkat never thought the day would come. Strider fiddles with his screen and slips it back into his bag. Ugh. Back to being the brick wall right in front of Karkat, it seems. 

His own phone lights up on his desk, so he busies himself with that instead.

TG: lol like i said 

TG: i can take care of him for you 

TG: i have like 

TG: a blackbelt in the most illegitimate form of martial arts you can imagine 

TG: it involves shitty ninja swords my brother and many days spent on a rooftop and basically that means im qualified to take this little punk out 

TG: go ham on his ass

Karkat muffles a laugh into his hand. Shitty ninja swords? Rooftops? Admittedly, he may not know much about human culture, even now, but even _that_ sounds a little absurd. But knowing TG, it’s probably just more jokey bullshit, so he lets it go.

TG: anyway im in class 

TG: gtg talk to you later 

CG: WAIT. 

CG: *YOU* PAY ATTENTION IN CLASS? 

CG: OK THEN, NERD. 

CG: TALK TO YOU LATER.

He sees Strider fish out his phone, peek at it with a smile, and doesn’t really think much of it. 

Why would he? 

-

That night, TG doesn’t get back to him except to say that his Bro “needs him for something” and that he’ll “probably be on within the next few days.”

Karkat doesn’t really think to feel anything but relief that Dave Strider is absent for the rest of the week. Really, he thinks nothing of it, because that douche has been nothing but a thorn in his side since he transferred to this hell hole. 

But when Strider comes back the following Monday and turns around to ask him for notes, of course he agrees—he’s not a complete asshole. A phone is put into his hands.

“Uh, can you add me on Pesterchum and just send me pics of the notes?”

Karkat nods, and goes to put himself in, but falters when he-

When he sees his own handle there, right on the screen. 

His entire body goes clammy, like it’s slowly shutting itself down. His ears roar, the world turns into a single point in front of him, the point being Dave Strider. Pesterchum. _Fucking turntechGodhead_. 

There’s no way. This isn’t real life. Holy fuck this shit doesn’t just HAPPEN. 

What should he even DO?

 _Yeah hey, sorry I shit-talked you literally TO your face over chat for the past few weeks! I meant nothing by it!_ God, Karkat is such an IDIOT. His fingers work on the phone without his brain registering it.

He doesn’t know how he sounds so calm when he passes Dave’s phone back to him. Really, he doesn’t, because he thinks he’s about to have the biggest conniption in all of intergalactic history. “Uh sorry, I forgot I deactivated my Trollian. I put my phone number in there, though. I’ll text you the pics.”

Dave nods to Karkat, a short, curt nod, and thanks him. That’s when he sees it: a bruise hiding under Dave’s obnoxious shades. And. Fuck no. He can’t do this. 

_He really, REALLY can’t do this._

Dave turns back around and Karkat raises his hand, still somehow betraying how hard he’s panicking on the inside. He gets the bathroom pass, walks calmly down the hall and into a single gender-inclusive bathroom. He locks the door. Sits on the toilet seat. Suddenly, a lot of things are making sense in the worst ways possible.

And yeah, he promptly sobs his eyes out. 

-

So maybe Karkat panicked and hasn’t messaged TG- well. Dave. In over a week. What else is he supposed to do? How do you break it to someone that you’ve fucking hated his guts but also sort of wanted to kiss him for almost like, two months? 

This shit doesn’t happen to real people, your online crush doesn’t just _happen_ to transfer to YOUR school, sit in front of you in YOUR class, and ask for YOUR number without realizing it’s you. 

It’s absurd. It’s absolutely absurd.

And not to open this particular bag of worms (Karkat is opening this bag of worms, they’ve been opened since he met Gamzee, because that douchebag didn’t even bother to give him baggage with a zip lock. So it’s all over the place, just leaking out onto his sort of friendship-hatred with Dave. Great.) but Karkat doesn’t—

The moment he saw that bruise, he felt a whole slew of emotions rise up in him. Fucking sludgy ass emotions, that’s what they were. Absolute garbagey sewer emotions. 

First, self-hatred. Because that’s always the go-to, isn’t it? Self-hatred over not realizing, for not taking all the “sword fighting” “ass-whooping” comments seriously. Self-hatred over not knowing sooner. Self-hatred over his quick judgments of Dave as a self-confident douchebag. _What kind of person am I? Who writes people off that quickly? I literally did this to myself._

Second, the anger. Righteous anger. Burning, indignant anger that anyone would lay a hand on the friend he’s come to admire so much. Karkat wants to wring Bro’s neck (and his own neck) and just throttle until the fury subsides.

Third, the fear. Karkat’s afraid of falling back into old habits. Of swooping in and acting like he can carry that weight. He’s had enough of carrying everyone’s problems—and it nearly killed him. 

With Dave, he doesn’t know if it’s worth it, doesn’t want to be an idiot just because he likes THAT idiot. Doesn’t want to get burned again when he’s gotten so used to being alone and liking it that way. 

So his solution is to just. Never.

Talk to him.

Again.

And maybe it isn’t ideal, but it is what it is. He’s dug a grave for himself and as the days stretch out, he finds it harder and harder to just… Message him. Ask him how he’s doing.

Karkat lays awake at night, hoping that Dave is okay. 

Maybe he’s regressing into old habits.

But as he sits behind Dave in class and scans his exposed skin for visible marks, he can’t believe himself and how pathetic he’s become.

_Is it too much to ask for a redo? Am I being stupid? I could have a friend again. If I could only get my shit together and stop acting like I can fix his life._

Dave catches him staring and tries to look nonplussed. 

But Karkat notices how he curls in on himself afterwards. It makes him feel like the scummiest person in the universe.

-

Dave doesn’t know what he did wrong, but he knows he did something. Otherwise, CG wouldn’t be ghosting him. 

Was it the gay thing? Was he too gay? Could Karkat tell he was _actually_ gay and not just joking around? Did it gross him out? It probably grossed him out. Oh fuck, he totally grossed him out.

Fuck. Dave thought he was passed this internalized homophobia thing, or whatever Rose called it, but it rears its ugly head every time he thinks of Bro and the last beatdown he got from him. He was stupid enough to leave his messages with CG open, and then act all defensive about it.

 _You hidin’ something?_ Bro had asked, obviously knowing the answer just from the way Dave’s expression twitched. _Was_ he hiding something? 

Every time he thinks about his traitorous heart, beating in all the wrong ways, making him everything he was never supposed to be, there’s Bro’s voice in his head. Telling him, reminding him. Snaking into the deepest parts of himself and putting his mind in a chokehold. 

Yeah, he must’ve freaked CG out. Or done something wrong.

Dave wants to apologize. He wants to take it back, whatever comment crossed the line. Maybe then, he wouldn’t feel so isolated and alone. He’d even tell the dude his name, give him anything he wanted to get someone, _anyone_ back in his life who didn’t pry into shit they didn’t understand.

He fucked up. And he has no one to blame but himself.

-

Eventually, Karkat gets sick of moping. And of seeing Dave moping. 

He walks into class, sits down, and taps his foot, waiting. Finally, he resolves to stop wallowing in his own self-pity. He has the power to change the narrative, the power to look Strider right in the face and say--

“Hey.”

Dave whips around to look back at him. His expression is schooled, but Karkat can see the underlying anxiety in the way his jaw stays clenched in anticipation. Of course he’d be anxious, Karkat hasn’t bothered to speak to him all semester. And he knows Dave has caught him glaring at him. 

Fuck, he’s been such an asshole.

“Do you want. To. Get lunch?” Karkat grimaces at how stupid he sounds. 

“You mean like…?” 

“Sit together.” Karkat licks his lips and tries not to stick his _whole_ foot in his mouth. “I know you don’t have any friends.” 

“Gee, fucking thanks.” Dave says, his body language turning defensive. He begins to turn his shoulder away from Karkat, and he scrambles to fix things before Dave slams the emotional door right in his face. 

“I don’t either.” 

Dave relaxes his shoulders and stops turning away from him. Karkat sees his jaw unclench and feels slightly triumphant. “Oh.”

“So maybe we could have no friends together…?” Great going Karkat, that didn’t sound lame at all! He mentally slams his face into his desk. 

“I mean, I don’t know. My schedule is pretty jam-packed and all, I got uh,” Dave sees the look Karkat gives him, completely open and vulnerable, and his resolve loosens like the gooiest of romance clichés. “I got uh. Yeah, actually, I got nothing. Why not, let’s sit together.” 

Karkat smiles and feels his heart flounder uselessly in his chest. Ever eloquent in the presence of his love interest, he feels all the air leave his body, and can only manage to speak one word. “Great.”

“Great.”

“Great.”

Dave’s face contorts and he lets out a huff of laughter. Maybe he didn’t fuck this up after all. Maybe he _was_ being an idiot, but not in the way he berated himself for. (That may be a bit too generous, let’s backpedal there a bit.) Maybe this is a do-over, and Karkat will be able to fess up to Dave that their situation is _totally_ a teenage love story, and all that’s left are the laugh, the kiss, and the happy ending.

Okay, maybe he’s being a bit desperate too. But a troll can dream. And Dave is a lot cuter than he thought he’d be in person. Totally not a 50 year old man in some distant basement, but a slender borderline e-boy. 

Goddammit, he's just his type. 

Karkat’s going to fix this in a 100% healthy, non-co-dependent, wholesome way. He’s going to beat his self-hatred with a fucking stick and make a friend. A whole-ass friend! (And maybe a boyfriend. Maybe.)

It’s never that easy to wade through his own bullshit, but Karkat rides the social high for as long as it’s worth and pretend it’ll be as breezy as it seems in his own head. 

In the same thought, however, he tells himself with the utmost certainty that this isn’t something to be read into. No, it all boils down to this: Karkat’s sick of letting his fear keep him from what he wants. That’s probably what Gamzee would’ve wanted, after all. To keep him shackled to his stupid fear of trusting others, to keep him secluded from any shred of happiness he sees pass him by, just because of what might go wrong again. 

Yeah, fuck that! Fuck Gamzee! Karkat is a whole ass almost-adult, and he can do this!

And even if he hates himself and loathes what he probably did to Dave by ignoring him, he hates that clown more. It wins out. 

And Karkat is nothing if not stupidly, stupidly stubborn. 

-

Dave doesn’t know why he agreed to this. 

Everything in his life has prepared him to avoid this very thing. Socialization means danger. Danger means exposure. Exposure means being reprimanded. And being reprimanded has always, always involved pain. 

There was just something about the openness in the guy’s eyes that had broken down his resolve. He felt that he knew what he was looking at, or who he was looking into, and that he could trust his motivations. Karkat. That was his name, right? 

It slots in like a gear, like some missing part, and Dave cranks through his thoughts one by one, methodically. 

As long as Bro doesn’t find out, it’ll be fine, right? Maybe it won’t be a big deal. 

Who is he kidding. It’d be a huge deal. La casa de Strider rule number one: no talking to outsiders who can do shit about _shit_. He’s breaking the biggest rule, the one Bro practically had him homeschooled to enforce. It’d be an even huger deal because Karkat is…

Slightly effeminate. 

Comfortable with his presentation? 

And.

Hm. 

That wouldn’t go over well.

Dave’s leg bounces underneath his desk as he realizes the multitude of possibilities, the ways he might screw this up. 

But… he’s lonely. As much as he hates to admit it to himself, he’s lonely. He still isn’t talking to Rose. CG ditched his ass because he was too much somehow. John and Jade are fine, he loves them, but there’s always that layer of façade he has to keep up to maintain the dynamic of their relationship.

He’s fucking tired of hiding behind masks and shades and metaphors. He’s built his entire life on these lies, on these layers of separation, and he feels that maybe, it’s finally time to recognize how being so distant has hurt him.

And Karkat’s open, honest expression is everything Dave wishes he could emulate, if every semblance of authenticity hadn’t already been beaten right out of him. 

So he caved. He spends the next class panicking over his decision, the next next class resigned to his decision, and the fact that he’s going to have to socialize. He then realizes that he should probably get himself together so he doesn’t come off as a total weirdo.

Since when has he cared about what other people think of him? He doesn’t. He doesn’t give a shit, and that’s that. But he so _does_ give a shit. And that’s the problem, isn’t it? 

The bell rings and he unlocks his phone to text Karkat, remembering that he still has the dude’s number from when he got notes off him.

DAVE: hey where do you eat lunch/where should i meet you

KARKAT: UHHH. I USUALLY SIT IN THE PENTHOUSE BECAUSE IT’S TYPICALLY EMPTY. I’M OMW RIGHT NOW.

DAVE: sick ill be right up

Dave slips his backpack on and tries not to panic. How long has it been since he’s hung out with someone face-to-face? Years? Maybe most of his life? He’s so socially stunted he might as well have been raised Harry Potter style, in a fucking closet or something. He pretty much was, he realizes. Funny. 

By the time he reaches the penthouse, he’s officially shut off his emotions. He doesn’t trust himself to NOT have a complete nervous breakdown like a baby. Maybe Bro was right, he’s not cut out to talk to people. He’s not like other kids his age, he’s different, and he doesn’t belong with them. 

Just as he’s about to call it quits and hide in his usual bathroom stall, Karkat appears out of nowhere like he can smell Dave’s hesitation in the air. 

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

After an awkward pause, Karkat coughs out a laugh and holds the door open for him. “After you.”

Maybe he’s not like other kids. Maybe Dave doesn’t belong here. But Karkat doesn’t seem like he does either, and that might be enough for now. He tries to not look as robotic as he feels as he passes Karkat, knowing that he’s failing miserably. 

Karkat can probably tell he’s all sorts of fucked up. 

They sit together, they eat, they make small talk. Karkat talks to him about his interests, and even though he insults SB&HJ, Dave can tell it’s all in jest. By the end of lunch, Dave is feeling less stiff, less like a puppet on strings. His shoulders drop, his features loosen. 

“See you tomorrow, man.”

“Yeah, see ya.” Karkat says. Something in his face flickers, too quickly for Dave to decipher. But they part with easy smiles, and Dave tries not to overanalyze. Instead, he rides out his social high by opening Pesterchum. 

-

Karkat’s guilt is unbearable. 

First, he ghosts Dave just because of his own irrational fears. Then, he talks to the very guy he’s made fun of all semester (to him directly, as a matter of fact) pretending he doesn’t know him. And even worse, he has a crush on Dave and , well.

He can’t keep this up, it’s not right, but he doesn’t know how to bring it up in casual conversation. Is this even something you _can_ bring up casually?

_By the way, remember that douchebag I complained to you about? Yeah, that was actually you. And then when I found out who you really were, I was too much of a coward to confront you about it, or tell you the truth, because I was so afraid of falling back into my old habits, so i just pretended it didn’t happen and that I’d never talked to you before! Haha! Isn’t that fucking hilarious?_

Yeah, no. That’s not a good way to do it.

Karkat has unopened messages from Dave on Trollian. He can’t believe that it’s been weeks since he ghosted him, since Dave just accepted that he was being dropped for no reason whatsoever. If Karkat’s being honest with himself, the idea of opening his messages makes his stomach turn.

If Dave’s angry with him, he has every right to be. Karkat royally fucked everything up. 

That night, he finally braves Trollian and opens up Dave’s messages.

TG: hey um 

TG: i know we havent talked in a few weeks but i just wanted to say that im sorry for whatever i did 

TG: i think i know what it was but just in case 

TG: sorry for whatever 

TG: you dont have to reply to this btw i just wanted you to know that theres no hard feelings 

TG: i know i goofed it up and you don’t have to feel obligated or anything 

TG: so… yeah 

TG: thats it really thats my spiel 

TG: peace

Karkat blinks a few times and rereads over and over, convinced that he’s misread something. It feels like a part of him snaps.

CG: I. 

CG: YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. 

CG: *YOU’RE* SORRY???? YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE SORRY ABOUT! I LITERALLY DROPPED YOUR ASS OUT OF THE BLUE, DIDN’T EXPLAIN WHY OR GIVE YOU ANY REASONING, AND *YOU’RE* THE ONE APOLOGIZING?

Dave’s reply is almost instant.

TG: oh 

TG: i mean dont i though? i was acting a certain way for a while there 

TG: i kind of assumed it grossed you out and thats why you stopped talking to me 

TG: or that you thought i was coming onto you or acting too gay you know 

TG: and thats just weird right 

CG: NO? THAT LITERALLY. 

CG: FUCKING 

CG: I FUCKED THIS UP. I REALLY DID. 

CG: DAVE YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG. I SWEAR, EVEN IF YOU WERE COMING ONTO ME IT’S NOT LIKE I’D MIND.

The moment he hits send, Karkat’s brain short-circuits. 

There are a few minutes of silence on Dave’s end, during which, Karkat absolutely loses his shit.

TG: howd you know my name 

TG: did bro put you up to this 

CG: WHAT?? NO. 

CG: SHIT I CAN EXPLAIN. 

TG: hahahaha classic 

TG: you got me 

TG: you really got me 

CG: WAIT, DAVE 

TG: no haha 

TG: haha 

TG: hahahaha

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

CG: FUCKING! DAMMIT!

Karkat bangs his head on his desk, resolved to kick his own ass into next week. 

He has to fix this. He’s skirted around confronting this head-on for too long.

-

Except he can’t. Because Dave isn’t at school for the next few days. And when he comes back, he doesn’t look at Karkat, seemingly lost in his own head, half-there, half-not. He tries to text him, but doesn’t get a response, and he promptly gives up until he can come up with a better game plan that doesn’t fuck things up even more.

In the end, Karkat’s game plan isn’t any more sophisticated than “find Dave when no one’s around, spill your guts, and pray for the best.” And when he finds his opening after school, he takes it.

Dave’s still at his locker when the halls are mostly empty. 

Karkat sneaks up behind him, noticing that Dave’s locker is full of hoarded cafeteria food. Some pieces of Dave’s home life click together and make him feel sick. More resolved. More desperate to do what he can do. _Be there_. Just fucking be there for him. Stop trying to fix the situation in contrived ways. Just _go for it_. 

Karkat shoves his unlocked phone, opened to their chat logs, up to Dave’s face.

“Um.” Dave backs up stiffly against the lockers, eyes first searching Karkat before glancing down at the phone.

“Ok, listen. I’m taking full responsibility for being a total fucking idiot here. No one set me up to this, okay? I fucked this all up, royally, so can I please just explain myself?”

The dark shadow of Dave’s eyes flicker from behind his shades, searching for an opening before flickering back to Karkat. “Ok. I’m listening.”

Karkat heaves a sigh. “A few weeks ago, when you asked for my Trollian, I saw that you were TG and kind of flipped my lid. I swear I was going to tell you. I just. Didn’t know how to bring it up, because I’d been shit-talking you _to you_ for months, even though I never actually hated you, and…” 

Karkat pauses and collects himself, feeling his throat close up at how badly he needs to get this right. “I have some baggage and didn’t know if I was doing things right. Then it spiraled, and I accidentally started ignoring you, but wanted to be your friend so uh, the lunch thing happened, and I meant to tell you, I swear I did—”

Dave cuts him off, taking a deep breath and letting his shoulders drop. He clenches and unclenches his fists at his sides. “You know how all this sounds, right?”

“I. Yeah. Fuck, Dave, I’m sorry. I never meant for things to get this out of control.”

Dave licks his lips. “So Bro didn’t set you up at all?”

“No, and I know this is a whole other bag of human worms, but I’d rather skin myself than associate with that asshole.”

A huff of laughter. “Yeah…” Dave pauses and his voice comes out uncomfortably small. “Did you mean what you meant before?”

“That I was sorry? A thousand times yes. I can’t even explain how shitty I feel about it all—”

“No I mean.” Dave gulps. Fishes out his phone. Karkat can see the slight tremor in his hands when he points to the message he’s referring to.

CG: DAVE YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG. I SWEAR, EVEN IF YOU WERE COMING ONTO ME IT’S NOT LIKE I’D MIND. 

“You. Did you mean it?”

Suddenly, Karkat’s throat dries up. “Um. Yes. Unless it makes you uncomfortable, in that case I’m probably just fucking this up even more, huh? Shit, I’m.”

“No uh. Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable. Kind of the opposite. I mean, it’s more than cool. I think. There’s also some baggage to unpack there, hah.”

Karkat searches Dave’s face, sees the flush under his shades. Karkat feels his own face heat up at the implications, his heart thudding and making his entire body feel charged.

Suddenly, Dave smiles, though it’s nervous and hesitant. “This is so stupid. What is this, some weird shitty teenage movie? I understand why you’d have trouble bringing it up, I think.”

“I put my foot, no, my entire goddamn leg in my mouth. You were already dealing with a bunch of shit and I peaced out like a total douchebag.”

Dave swallows. “It seems like you were going through some shit too, dude. Don’t worry about it.” He blows out a big breath and shuts his locker, turning to face Karkat completely. “Okay here, let’s start over.”

Dave sticks his fist out. “Hey, my name’s Dave Strider. I’ve seen you in class before, what’s your name?”

“Karkat Vantas.” He bumps it with his own fist and swears that he can feel his body turn into a super volcano. “Want to get lunch together sometime?”

Dave bobs his head, somewhat shyly. “Yeah. Sounds good.”

“Sounds good.” 

“This is so stupid.”

Karkat’s face cracks into a real smile and he suddenly doesn’t know what to do his arms, or any of his body parts. “So stupid.”

-

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] unblocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

-

TG: hey rose 

TG: sorry ive been such a douchebag 

TG: lets talk 

TT: Oh thank goodness you’re okay. 

TT: I’m sorry I pushed you. I know you don’t like being pressured like that, yet I did it anyway to satisfy my own savior fantasies. I feel absolutely terrible. 

TG: i know you wanted to help but lets go a bit lighter on the cornering maneuvers from now on yeah 

TG: you know how i be 

TT: Yes. I know how you “be.” 

TT: Just don’t disappear on me like that again. I think I had a heart attack. 

TT: Can we just start over? 

TG: nah i think its time to talk about it all 

TG: i dont want to run from this anymore 

TG: so lets get all freaknasty with it 

TT: Balls deep? 

TG: yeah lets go balls deep in this shit 

TG: im sorry i pushed you away 

TT: I missed you. 

TT: You bitch.

-

TG: i missed you too

-

 

“You’re so fucking annoying, you know that, right?” Karkat ducks out of the way as Dave tries to grab him by his ears for a quick kiss before class. They’re hidden behind a pillar, because, gross, PDA, but Dave loves to be difficult, and Karkat secretly loves that Dave loves to be difficult. 

“Oh you love it, don’t even front.”

Karkat scrunches up his face in mock disgust and bats away Dave’s face when he comes in for a dramatic, over-the-top smooch. “Back off, I have claws.”

“Aw, these things? The stray cats on my block are more menacing than you, dude.”

Karkat shoves him and Dave laughs, even though he stumbles into the wall. The warning bell rings, signaling that they only have a minute to get to class, and Karkat shoves him again. “Look at what you did! I have perfect attendance you asswipe, now I’m going to be tardy.” 

“Oh boohoo—” 

Karkat shoves him again. Swoon.

Dave’s heart is full. Fuller than he ever thought possible. When Karkat grabs his hand, still all faux annoyance, he feels his heart trip over itself to catch up with all the emotions running through him. Before, he never thought he could have something like this. Not in a million years, or a billion years, or in the history of _ever_. 

He used to think that there was no way anyone could ever like him if they saw him for who he truly was. There was always some inner justification that made him believe that it was impossible for him to be truly loved. The amalgamation of total horseshit as a barrier between himself and others.

Dave’s starting to realize that everyone is a bit fucked up. And it doesn’t make everything okay, but it does mean that he isn’t alone. And he isn’t the only person on the planet who feels unlovable.

And maybe he isn’t “in love” yet, or any of that stupid romcom crap, but when he lets himself smile and laugh, Dave knows that this isn’t nothing. When he holds Karkat’s hand in the halls without shame or disgust, he knows that means something.

So maybe teenage love is fake, but this is _something._

And when Karkat looks to him, his eyes betraying some true softness, he knows something is there. 

Dave knows it, and he’s not going to let happiness pass him by anymore. Nothing can permanently hold him back from it anymore, now that he’s tasted what it’s like. Not fear, not the bullshit his Bro hammers into him. 

He knows that Karkat feels the same way when he squeezes his hand tightly. 

“You are _such_ an ass,” Karkat says. 

“No, you.”

Karkat squeezes his hand once more before letting go. 

They part for class, and things are deceptively okay. Dave doesn’t read into the fear hiding behind his contentedness, not this time. He knows that Karkat’s got his back, and that even if shit hits the fan in the future, with Bro or whoever else, they’ll figure that out together too. 

Dave’s done being held back.

And he knows Karkat feels the same way.


End file.
